How was your day?

*The information used is from John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It is an amazing book filled with advice to help make marriages stronger.  A link to find the book is below. 

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1446248167&sr=8-2&keywords=seven+making+marriage+work

 

This weeks focus was turning toward each other instead of away. As I read through I was excited to see that my husband and I were doing really well connecting but there were definitely areas that we needed to work on. One point that I noticed was frequently brought up was Gottman's reference to having a conversation about how your day was. This is often the first thing my husband and I discuss when he returns home from work. I was surprised that Gottman said that this conversation should take at least half an hour together and it requires a lot more than just a listening to what your spouse has to say. He gave 8 points to help to help your spouse feel positive after this conversation. 

 

1. Take turns: Each person has an opportunity to be the "complainer" while the other supports them.

2. Don't give unsolicited advice: When we hear a problem sometimes our first reaction is to try and fix it however, in this conversation it is not the time. Wait to offer advice so that your spouse feels heard and feels as though their problems matter to you. When we try to jump in too quickly it can make the other feel like their problems have been belittled and trivialized and it can cause negative feelings towards the other.

3. Show genuine interest: give signs that you are listening by agreeing, asking questions, and making eye contact. Conversations mean a lot more if you know the person you are talking to is interested in what you have to say.

4. Communicate your understanding: empathize with your spouse and give comments like "wow that really stinks" and "I can see why you are so stressed".

5. Take your spouses side: This is a must!!! Even when you think your spouse may seem unreasonalble take their side. Spouses are meant to emotionally support one another and that is the role we have to take on in a marriage. It is not our position to judge our spouse. 

6. Express a "we against others" attitude: If your spouse if feeling alone then show that they are not. Let your spouse know that you are in this together no matter what. A little solidarity goes a long way.

7. Express affection: We can't just show our support with words but also our touch. Hold your spouse, touch their arm, comfort them when they are stressed.

8. Validate Emotions: Tell your spouse their feelings make sense. Nothing feels worse than your partner telling you your emotions are wrong or crazy. Do more empathizing and talk about how you understand what they are going through and why they feel the way they do.

 

Using all of these techniques can really help marriages last and thrive.

The Four Horsemen

Marriage is the best relationship you will ever have with another human being but it is tough! When two very different people are together conflict is sure to arise and it doesn't matter that there is conflict but what matters is how you react to it. 

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D, he talks about how to keep a marriage alive. Gottman states that he can determine whether or not a marriage will fail within 5 minutes of watching and listening to their interactions with a 91% accuracy. What makes a marriage work according to Gottman, 

"Happily Married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which we all have) from overwhelming their positive ones."

How can we determine whether or not our marriage will fail? The keys to whether or not a couple will break up are in the way they argue. Gottman points out 4 negative habits that could, if we allow them, take over; he calls them the Four Horseman of the apocalypse. 

Horseman 1: Criticism. We will always have complaints about our partner, that is a given but when criticism is when it is taken one step further.

Complaint: The garbage is full. Why didn't you take it out?

Criticism: Why can't you do something so simple like taking out the garbage? I ask you to do this daily and you still don't do it!

Criticism takes a complaint about a specific behavior  to negative words about your partner's character. It is a lot harder to feel good about yourself when your partner doesn't see the good in you.

Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is the nasty oozing sore of negativity. It is all of the hurt of criticism with sneering teeth to add insult to injury.

Spouse 1: I would appreciate if you could actually make it home on time for dinner instead of staying at work.

Spouse 2: What are you going to do about it? Maybe you should take more responsibility in the home and have something good for me to come home to.

Contempt is brought on by "long simmering" negative thoughts. Contempt is fueled by disgust and flows out of our mouths like hot tar, destroying everything it touches. 

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. After having such negative words thrown in your direction it is a natural reaction to defend yourself. What really happens after this though is not the desired intention. Normally the spouse attacking doesn't apologize and it creates a way to blame your partner for something in the name of defending yourself. 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. The final horseman (my personal horseman of choice) the silent one. After all of the criticism it it makes sense that one would tune out.  The quieter one is the louder the other yells eventually the silent one stands up and leaves. When you walk out of a room during a disagreement you are avoiding a fight but you are also avoiding your marriage which can quickly lead to disaster.

The horsemen won't always arrive in order and sometimes they can sneak their way in. The main point Gottman wants to get across is to be emotionally intelligent in your marriage. Don't let the negative override the positive because the more negativity that takes over the harder it is to overcome.

Covenant Marriage compared to Contract Marriage

Like anything in the gospel a covenant marriage is something we have to work towards. Covenant marriage requires more than just a piece of paper it is an eternal commitment and we have to strive to make it work. When we are sealed in the temple the sealing is not automatic and is based on our on our faith and obedience on earth. A civil marriage requires that those in the marriage remain faithful and support each other, in a covenant marriage those same things are expected but we are also required to remain faithful, strive to keep our other covenants we have made, and include Christ in our marriage.

 

 I loved the quote by Bruce C. Hafen, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent". A civil marriage is a contract in which each party is responsible for their half, that is what a contract is. In a covenant marriage each party gives all of themselves and it is not only an earthly contract, it is a covenant  with Christ, and a forever contract. In a covenant marriage we are asked to give all that we have to our spouse and to throw out all selfish tendencies. A successful covenant marriage requires so much more of each person and it is a continual renewal of the covenants that we made.

 

Elder Bednar taught that "Satan that all men and women might be miserable like unto himself". The old adage of misery loves company could not be more real and relevant in our lives. There is an attack on family and Satan is getting more and more sophisticated with his approach. One area we can really see his strength in is pornography. We try our best to create a home that is a safe place, that the spirit can dwell and yet it is so easy for pornography to sneak its way into the home. Satan is very cunning and he sneaks images into our homes so easily and he has made pornography such a common casual topic that it becomes a joke and the seriousness is lost.. How many marriages have ended because of this filth that has become so common place in our society? We have a great adversary working against us and we need to do all we can to include Christ in our marriage. We have to find a way to return to our Father in Heaven and take our families with us. Despite the opposition we face we have to continue to keep our covenants and when mistakes are made we have to repent and keep going. 

Traditional Marriage

"...Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." -The Family: A proclamation to the World1

Link to the Proclamation: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&cid=PA0414-02

Marriage is between a man and a woman, it is the oldest institution and was started by our first parents Adam and Eve. Eve was created to be a helpmeet to Adam and together they created a family and grew together. In today's world we are being bombarded from every way that marriage, in the terms that we know, is outdated and has been redefined to include everyone, and anyone can get married. While it can be very easy to brush it off and say that marriage is only a civil right, as members of the church we have to be proactive in standing up for our beliefs.

In the Divine Institution of Marriage it states2 "Throughout the ages, governments of all types have recognized marriage as essential in preserving social stability and perpetuating life". Marriage is not only about love it is about stability in our communities and giving the children of our communities the best chance possible for a healthy life. Marriage bonds husbands and wives and more importantly parents to children. Children deserve to be born into a home with a mother and a father, to be reared by equal and opposite forces that work together to provide the best environment for a child. 

As supporters of traditional marriage we have been branded as bigot's and now we have the responsibility of the burden of proof to show that traditional marriage it the right way, even though it has been the builder of societies since the beginning of humans. 

There is a great stress to the American public to accept same sex marriage.The article "The overhauling of Straight America"3  shows the exactly how we have been desensitized to this change.  It was jarring to read how carefully the plan took place to normalize same sex marriage in the US. It started small seemingly unnoticeable; first by talking about same-sex attraction very openly, in order for something to be accepted the taboo has to be lifted and the previously strange is now seemingly normal. It doesn't stop there the once taboo subjects are to become the victims and we their protectors. Then we attack the victimizers because everyone loves a villain. Next we see a surge in media coverage so that everyone with a TV or computer in their home is bombarded. Last but not least raise money and encourage donations, because you can buy anything in the world with money, including power. 

No matter how difficult, or how few in numbers we may be we have to stand up for what we believe in. One very difficult thing about standing up for what you believe in is seeming hateful to an entire group of people. We have to treat those we disagree with love and compassion and we need to treat everyone as Christ would. When Christ was a brought a woman who had sinned he asked that those who are without sin cast the first stone. Christ then commanded her to go and sin no more; he did not justify the sin and yet he was kind and compassionate to the sinner. We need to follow his example and love those around us even those we don't agree with. 

1. https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&cid=PA0414-02

2. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

3. http://library.gayhomeland.org/0018/EN/EN_Overhauling_Straight.htm