“Marriage between a man and
a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan
for the eternal destiny of His children.” The Family: A proclamation to the
World. Marriage is such an important part of life. It is something that as a
member of the LDS church we are taught to strive for after we graduate from
high school and possibly serve a mission. We are reminded of the importance at
every step; in primary we are taught that our parents love and care for us and
most importantly love and care for one another. In the Young Men’s and Young
Women’s program we are taught that we are to date only those with high
standards because you inevitably marry who you date. After you graduate High
School and move into the Young Single Adults program in which prepares you even
more for marriage. As time goes on you eventually meet someone, date them,
learn to love them, and marry them (with many other important steps in
between). What happens then? What are you to do when you realize that you are
with the same person with the same quirks forever? I know what you do, you love
and serve them even more!
Marriage is tough and when you are single you
don’t realize the full magnitude of marriage. I am very, very blessed. I met
Sean when I was 19 we dated for 3 months before we said “I love you” then we
dated for three more, got engaged, and three months after that we were married.
I had known this man for a total of 9 months and we got married. Despite all of
the lovey-dovey gooey emotions that follow you around while you date, marriage
is a completely different beast. Marriage requires a lot of work and it
requires that both parties put in all of their effort. In order for a marriage
to be successful and to make it to the ultimate goal of being together forever,
there is a lot of work that you have to put in. For me, even though I am
constantly trying to do better I know there is so much more that I need to do.
The Lessons I have Learned
This course has
been very eye opening. I thought that I was doing the best that I could and
that there was no way I could give more until I started studying what makes
good marriages work. I realized that even though, yes, I do a lot for my
husband there is a lot more that I could be doing to make our marriage better.
- Communication:
Every good relationship, whether it be friendship, marriage, parent/child, or
student/teacher, starts with the basic foundation of communication. Without
good communication relationships fail. I thought that I was good at
communicating. I did not yell, I did not even raise my voice, I did not bring
up when I was upset, and when something did happen I would just let it go. As
is turns out my great communication with my husband was actually considered one
of the 4-horseman brought to light by Gottman, I was an avidly practicing
stonewalling. When my husband and I would have a conflict I would get quite and
would stew in my thoughts, while I wouldn’t walk away from our problems, I was
hurting our marriage by not brining up what was hurting me.
- Drawing
closer to one another instead of away: Another thing I noticed about myself was
that I tend to withdraw from my husband when I am upset. While I am not turning
to the comfort of someone else I was ignoring the need for both of us to be
together and healing. Gottman also referenced our need as husband and wife to
do things together, and I will admit, I am not the best at feigning interest in
football and cars.
- Nurturing
your fondness and admiration (another chapter of Gottman’s book, ch4, can you
tell this book has changed my life?) I noticed that I was not complimenting my
husband and I was not nurturing our relationship. I learned that instead of
feeling so frustrated and dwelling on negative things I needed to focus on the
reasons why I loved my husband and I needed to focus on how hard he works
instead of feeling frustrated that he had to come home late again.
My Plan to be a Better Wife
Despite my best efforts I have learned that I have a lot that I
need to do to become a better wife. I have learned a lot through this course and
I have been able to recognize where I need to improve.
-
Find things for Sean and I to do together.
-
Read our scriptures together. We have a better relationship when
we focus on what the Lord would want us to instead of just focusing on
ourselves.
-
Serve my husband more often and pray to be able to have the
capacity to serve him more. (Goddard,
consecrating our marriages)
-
Compliment my husband more often.
-
Compliment my husband when he is not around. This will create
positive happy feelings even when we aren’t together.
-
Think more positive thoughts about my husband.
-
Remember often why we fell in love and retell the story when I
can.
-
Communicate with him better. It is okay to be upset and to share
my feelings about what is happening instead of keeping them to myself and
remaining angry and frustrated.
-
Show my love for my husband by being more affectionate and
loving towards him.
The Changes I have Noticed
Throughout this
semester I have been started implementing the things I have been learning. I
noticed that there were quite a few areas that I was lacking in and I started
to change the way I perceived things.
The first thing I changed was the way I
communicated with my husband. Instead of being closed off about what I was
feeling I tried to open up a little bit more. Of course I didn’t share
everything that was every bothering me because let’s face it when a cup put in
the wrong place in not a big deal. Instead I focused on how grateful I was that
he took out the dishes and helped me with the things I needed to get done.
Another big
change I started to make was nurturing our relationship. I started to
compliment my husband more and notice the positive things about him and I
started to see a big difference in our marriage. I noticed an even greater
amount of love being turned back towards me and I learned that when I speak
kinder about my husband I have kinder thoughts which lead to a happier marriage
all around.
I have made some small changes but it has
definitely left an even greater impact on our marriage. I am more appreciative
e of my husband and I'm more thankful for everything that he was doing to help
me and to help our son. I started to brag to those around me about the amazing
things my husband does for me and it has made a difference in our home and in
our marriage. I am so grateful for marriage and I am thankful for the things I
have learned through this course to help me be a better wife.
