Marriage Improvement Plan

         “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” The Family: A proclamation to the World. Marriage is such an important part of life. It is something that as a member of the LDS church we are taught to strive for after we graduate from high school and possibly serve a mission. We are reminded of the importance at every step; in primary we are taught that our parents love and care for us and most importantly love and care for one another. In the Young Men’s and Young Women’s program we are taught that we are to date only those with high standards because you inevitably marry who you date. After you graduate High School and move into the Young Single Adults program in which prepares you even more for marriage. As time goes on you eventually meet someone, date them, learn to love them, and marry them (with many other important steps in between). What happens then? What are you to do when you realize that you are with the same person with the same quirks forever? I know what you do, you love and serve them even more!

             Marriage is tough and when you are single you don’t realize the full magnitude of marriage. I am very, very blessed. I met Sean when I was 19 we dated for 3 months before we said “I love you” then we dated for three more, got engaged, and three months after that we were married. I had known this man for a total of 9 months and we got married. Despite all of the lovey-dovey gooey emotions that follow you around while you date, marriage is a completely different beast. Marriage requires a lot of work and it requires that both parties put in all of their effort. In order for a marriage to be successful and to make it to the ultimate goal of being together forever, there is a lot of work that you have to put in. For me, even though I am constantly trying to do better I know there is so much more that I need to do.

The Lessons I have Learned

            This course has been very eye opening. I thought that I was doing the best that I could and that there was no way I could give more until I started studying what makes good marriages work. I realized that even though, yes, I do a lot for my husband there is a lot more that I could be doing to make our marriage better.

            - Communication: Every good relationship, whether it be friendship, marriage, parent/child, or student/teacher, starts with the basic foundation of communication. Without good communication relationships fail. I thought that I was good at communicating. I did not yell, I did not even raise my voice, I did not bring up when I was upset, and when something did happen I would just let it go. As is turns out my great communication with my husband was actually considered one of the 4-horseman brought to light by Gottman, I was an avidly practicing stonewalling. When my husband and I would have a conflict I would get quite and would stew in my thoughts, while I wouldn’t walk away from our problems, I was hurting our marriage by not brining up what was hurting me.

            - Drawing closer to one another instead of away: Another thing I noticed about myself was that I tend to withdraw from my husband when I am upset. While I am not turning to the comfort of someone else I was ignoring the need for both of us to be together and healing. Gottman also referenced our need as husband and wife to do things together, and I will admit, I am not the best at feigning interest in football and cars.

            - Nurturing your fondness and admiration (another chapter of Gottman’s book, ch4, can you tell this book has changed my life?) I noticed that I was not complimenting my husband and I was not nurturing our relationship. I learned that instead of feeling so frustrated and dwelling on negative things I needed to focus on the reasons why I loved my husband and I needed to focus on how hard he works instead of feeling frustrated that he had to come home late again.

My Plan to be a Better Wife

         Despite my best efforts I have learned that I have a lot that I need to do to become a better wife. I have learned a lot through this course and I have been able to recognize where I need to improve.

-       Find things for Sean and I to do together.

-       Read our scriptures together. We have a better relationship when we focus on what the Lord would want us to instead of just focusing on ourselves.

-       Serve my husband more often and pray to be able to have the capacity to serve  him more. (Goddard, consecrating our marriages)

-       Compliment my husband more often.

-       Compliment my husband when he is not around. This will create positive happy feelings even when we aren’t together.

-       Think more positive thoughts about my husband.

-       Remember often why we fell in love and retell the story when I can.

-       Communicate with him better. It is okay to be upset and to share my feelings about what is happening instead of keeping them to myself and remaining angry and frustrated.

-       Show my love for my husband by being more affectionate and loving towards him.

The Changes I have Noticed

            Throughout this semester I have been started implementing the things I have been learning. I noticed that there were quite a few areas that I was lacking in and I started to change the way I perceived things.

             The first thing I changed was the way I communicated with my husband. Instead of being closed off about what I was feeling I tried to open up a little bit more. Of course I didn’t share everything that was every bothering me because let’s face it when a cup put in the wrong place in not a big deal. Instead I focused on how grateful I was that he took out the dishes and helped me with the things I needed to get done.

            Another big change I started to make was nurturing our relationship. I started to compliment my husband more and notice the positive things about him and I started to see a big difference in our marriage. I noticed an even greater amount of love being turned back towards me and I learned that when I speak kinder about my husband I have kinder thoughts which lead to a happier marriage all around.

             I have made some small changes but it has definitely left an even greater impact on our marriage. I am more appreciative e of my husband and I'm more thankful for everything that he was doing to help me and to help our son. I started to brag to those around me about the amazing things my husband does for me and it has made a difference in our home and in our marriage. I am so grateful for marriage and I am thankful for the things I have learned through this course to help me be a better wife.