New Traditions

When you get married you start a new family and within this new family you 
start new traditions. This wassomething that I struggled with. I wanted to 
keep all of my old traditions. Why change something when it seems to be 
working so well? Well I was definitely wrong and my stubbornness and pride 
has hurt myhusband several times. I think I am getting better but I know I can 
do more to incorporate his traditions.

How do you decide on traditions? What changes do you make with the old ones 
you grew up with? 

For starters communicate. This seems like the answer to everything because in 
most cases it is. Communication between spouses is imperative to a healthy 
relationship. The best way my husband and I have decided on our traditions is 
by going through what we have each experienced and picked which traditions 
we liked best. 

Don't be afraid to change. This was something that, like I said, was very 
difficult for me. I wanted us to celebrate holidays all of the ways I was used to 
celebrating, but in a marriage you have to be open to change. 

Going along with don't be afraid to change, don't be afraid to drop 
something that doesn't work. So you tried out a new tradition and it didn't 
go as planned and you both found it tedious and annoying, get rid of it. Don't 
make the holidays stressful it is a time to show love and be happy. 

Have a good attitude (again this is for me). When your spouse suggests 
something new to try, be open and do it with a positive attitude. Be excited 
be cheerful.

Last but not least, have fun! New traditions are supposed to be fun for a 
family. Embrace your new family and laugh and love all through the new 
traditions.

Enjoy your family and Merry Christmas!

Marriage Improvement Plan

         “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” The Family: A proclamation to the World. Marriage is such an important part of life. It is something that as a member of the LDS church we are taught to strive for after we graduate from high school and possibly serve a mission. We are reminded of the importance at every step; in primary we are taught that our parents love and care for us and most importantly love and care for one another. In the Young Men’s and Young Women’s program we are taught that we are to date only those with high standards because you inevitably marry who you date. After you graduate High School and move into the Young Single Adults program in which prepares you even more for marriage. As time goes on you eventually meet someone, date them, learn to love them, and marry them (with many other important steps in between). What happens then? What are you to do when you realize that you are with the same person with the same quirks forever? I know what you do, you love and serve them even more!

             Marriage is tough and when you are single you don’t realize the full magnitude of marriage. I am very, very blessed. I met Sean when I was 19 we dated for 3 months before we said “I love you” then we dated for three more, got engaged, and three months after that we were married. I had known this man for a total of 9 months and we got married. Despite all of the lovey-dovey gooey emotions that follow you around while you date, marriage is a completely different beast. Marriage requires a lot of work and it requires that both parties put in all of their effort. In order for a marriage to be successful and to make it to the ultimate goal of being together forever, there is a lot of work that you have to put in. For me, even though I am constantly trying to do better I know there is so much more that I need to do.

The Lessons I have Learned

            This course has been very eye opening. I thought that I was doing the best that I could and that there was no way I could give more until I started studying what makes good marriages work. I realized that even though, yes, I do a lot for my husband there is a lot more that I could be doing to make our marriage better.

            - Communication: Every good relationship, whether it be friendship, marriage, parent/child, or student/teacher, starts with the basic foundation of communication. Without good communication relationships fail. I thought that I was good at communicating. I did not yell, I did not even raise my voice, I did not bring up when I was upset, and when something did happen I would just let it go. As is turns out my great communication with my husband was actually considered one of the 4-horseman brought to light by Gottman, I was an avidly practicing stonewalling. When my husband and I would have a conflict I would get quite and would stew in my thoughts, while I wouldn’t walk away from our problems, I was hurting our marriage by not brining up what was hurting me.

            - Drawing closer to one another instead of away: Another thing I noticed about myself was that I tend to withdraw from my husband when I am upset. While I am not turning to the comfort of someone else I was ignoring the need for both of us to be together and healing. Gottman also referenced our need as husband and wife to do things together, and I will admit, I am not the best at feigning interest in football and cars.

            - Nurturing your fondness and admiration (another chapter of Gottman’s book, ch4, can you tell this book has changed my life?) I noticed that I was not complimenting my husband and I was not nurturing our relationship. I learned that instead of feeling so frustrated and dwelling on negative things I needed to focus on the reasons why I loved my husband and I needed to focus on how hard he works instead of feeling frustrated that he had to come home late again.

My Plan to be a Better Wife

         Despite my best efforts I have learned that I have a lot that I need to do to become a better wife. I have learned a lot through this course and I have been able to recognize where I need to improve.

-       Find things for Sean and I to do together.

-       Read our scriptures together. We have a better relationship when we focus on what the Lord would want us to instead of just focusing on ourselves.

-       Serve my husband more often and pray to be able to have the capacity to serve  him more. (Goddard, consecrating our marriages)

-       Compliment my husband more often.

-       Compliment my husband when he is not around. This will create positive happy feelings even when we aren’t together.

-       Think more positive thoughts about my husband.

-       Remember often why we fell in love and retell the story when I can.

-       Communicate with him better. It is okay to be upset and to share my feelings about what is happening instead of keeping them to myself and remaining angry and frustrated.

-       Show my love for my husband by being more affectionate and loving towards him.

The Changes I have Noticed

            Throughout this semester I have been started implementing the things I have been learning. I noticed that there were quite a few areas that I was lacking in and I started to change the way I perceived things.

             The first thing I changed was the way I communicated with my husband. Instead of being closed off about what I was feeling I tried to open up a little bit more. Of course I didn’t share everything that was every bothering me because let’s face it when a cup put in the wrong place in not a big deal. Instead I focused on how grateful I was that he took out the dishes and helped me with the things I needed to get done.

            Another big change I started to make was nurturing our relationship. I started to compliment my husband more and notice the positive things about him and I started to see a big difference in our marriage. I noticed an even greater amount of love being turned back towards me and I learned that when I speak kinder about my husband I have kinder thoughts which lead to a happier marriage all around.

             I have made some small changes but it has definitely left an even greater impact on our marriage. I am more appreciative e of my husband and I'm more thankful for everything that he was doing to help me and to help our son. I started to brag to those around me about the amazing things my husband does for me and it has made a difference in our home and in our marriage. I am so grateful for marriage and I am thankful for the things I have learned through this course to help me be a better wife.

Consecrating our Marriages

The book and author referenced: Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by: H. Wallace Goddard PhD

Goddard really focused on the fact that we need to give all we have to our spouse and then when we feel like we have given it all, we need to pray for the capacity to give more. What a wonderful concept in marriage. We have to truly give all we have to our partner and let go of the little faults we find. I particularly loved this quote "No partner on the face of the earth can meet all of our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our disconnect or we can celebrate our points of connection." (p.100). More often than not our spouse will do something that is different from the way that we do things and we can choose to dwell on those small disconnects or we can move past them and do our best to let them go. 

 

I have some really great examples of marriage in my life but my dad's parents stand out to me the most. My grandparents have been married for 54 years and dated through high school as well. I know there marriage wasn't always the way it is now you can see the growth and the charity they have for one another after so much time together. Everyday they set aside time for each other and that is their "quality time" for the day. This isn't the only time they spend together; they eat all three meals together and they both get up early so they can enjoy a morning cup of hot chocolate and talk about the paper. At nights they take time to watch the news, a western, or a football game. I know they still have date nights and we frequently hear about the movies they see together. They truly love spending time together and they love serving one another. My grandmother once told me that the most important relationship is not with my children, it is with my husband. After my children are all gone he will be all I have and I better like who he is or else it is going to be a quiet house. I have taken this advice to heart and done my best to follow it. I know that if we give our all in a marriage then we will have much greater success.

How was your day?

*The information used is from John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It is an amazing book filled with advice to help make marriages stronger.  A link to find the book is below. 

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1446248167&sr=8-2&keywords=seven+making+marriage+work

 

This weeks focus was turning toward each other instead of away. As I read through I was excited to see that my husband and I were doing really well connecting but there were definitely areas that we needed to work on. One point that I noticed was frequently brought up was Gottman's reference to having a conversation about how your day was. This is often the first thing my husband and I discuss when he returns home from work. I was surprised that Gottman said that this conversation should take at least half an hour together and it requires a lot more than just a listening to what your spouse has to say. He gave 8 points to help to help your spouse feel positive after this conversation. 

 

1. Take turns: Each person has an opportunity to be the "complainer" while the other supports them.

2. Don't give unsolicited advice: When we hear a problem sometimes our first reaction is to try and fix it however, in this conversation it is not the time. Wait to offer advice so that your spouse feels heard and feels as though their problems matter to you. When we try to jump in too quickly it can make the other feel like their problems have been belittled and trivialized and it can cause negative feelings towards the other.

3. Show genuine interest: give signs that you are listening by agreeing, asking questions, and making eye contact. Conversations mean a lot more if you know the person you are talking to is interested in what you have to say.

4. Communicate your understanding: empathize with your spouse and give comments like "wow that really stinks" and "I can see why you are so stressed".

5. Take your spouses side: This is a must!!! Even when you think your spouse may seem unreasonalble take their side. Spouses are meant to emotionally support one another and that is the role we have to take on in a marriage. It is not our position to judge our spouse. 

6. Express a "we against others" attitude: If your spouse if feeling alone then show that they are not. Let your spouse know that you are in this together no matter what. A little solidarity goes a long way.

7. Express affection: We can't just show our support with words but also our touch. Hold your spouse, touch their arm, comfort them when they are stressed.

8. Validate Emotions: Tell your spouse their feelings make sense. Nothing feels worse than your partner telling you your emotions are wrong or crazy. Do more empathizing and talk about how you understand what they are going through and why they feel the way they do.

 

Using all of these techniques can really help marriages last and thrive.

The Four Horsemen

Marriage is the best relationship you will ever have with another human being but it is tough! When two very different people are together conflict is sure to arise and it doesn't matter that there is conflict but what matters is how you react to it. 

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D, he talks about how to keep a marriage alive. Gottman states that he can determine whether or not a marriage will fail within 5 minutes of watching and listening to their interactions with a 91% accuracy. What makes a marriage work according to Gottman, 

"Happily Married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which we all have) from overwhelming their positive ones."

How can we determine whether or not our marriage will fail? The keys to whether or not a couple will break up are in the way they argue. Gottman points out 4 negative habits that could, if we allow them, take over; he calls them the Four Horseman of the apocalypse. 

Horseman 1: Criticism. We will always have complaints about our partner, that is a given but when criticism is when it is taken one step further.

Complaint: The garbage is full. Why didn't you take it out?

Criticism: Why can't you do something so simple like taking out the garbage? I ask you to do this daily and you still don't do it!

Criticism takes a complaint about a specific behavior  to negative words about your partner's character. It is a lot harder to feel good about yourself when your partner doesn't see the good in you.

Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is the nasty oozing sore of negativity. It is all of the hurt of criticism with sneering teeth to add insult to injury.

Spouse 1: I would appreciate if you could actually make it home on time for dinner instead of staying at work.

Spouse 2: What are you going to do about it? Maybe you should take more responsibility in the home and have something good for me to come home to.

Contempt is brought on by "long simmering" negative thoughts. Contempt is fueled by disgust and flows out of our mouths like hot tar, destroying everything it touches. 

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. After having such negative words thrown in your direction it is a natural reaction to defend yourself. What really happens after this though is not the desired intention. Normally the spouse attacking doesn't apologize and it creates a way to blame your partner for something in the name of defending yourself. 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. The final horseman (my personal horseman of choice) the silent one. After all of the criticism it it makes sense that one would tune out.  The quieter one is the louder the other yells eventually the silent one stands up and leaves. When you walk out of a room during a disagreement you are avoiding a fight but you are also avoiding your marriage which can quickly lead to disaster.

The horsemen won't always arrive in order and sometimes they can sneak their way in. The main point Gottman wants to get across is to be emotionally intelligent in your marriage. Don't let the negative override the positive because the more negativity that takes over the harder it is to overcome.

Covenant Marriage compared to Contract Marriage

Like anything in the gospel a covenant marriage is something we have to work towards. Covenant marriage requires more than just a piece of paper it is an eternal commitment and we have to strive to make it work. When we are sealed in the temple the sealing is not automatic and is based on our on our faith and obedience on earth. A civil marriage requires that those in the marriage remain faithful and support each other, in a covenant marriage those same things are expected but we are also required to remain faithful, strive to keep our other covenants we have made, and include Christ in our marriage.

 

 I loved the quote by Bruce C. Hafen, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent". A civil marriage is a contract in which each party is responsible for their half, that is what a contract is. In a covenant marriage each party gives all of themselves and it is not only an earthly contract, it is a covenant  with Christ, and a forever contract. In a covenant marriage we are asked to give all that we have to our spouse and to throw out all selfish tendencies. A successful covenant marriage requires so much more of each person and it is a continual renewal of the covenants that we made.

 

Elder Bednar taught that "Satan that all men and women might be miserable like unto himself". The old adage of misery loves company could not be more real and relevant in our lives. There is an attack on family and Satan is getting more and more sophisticated with his approach. One area we can really see his strength in is pornography. We try our best to create a home that is a safe place, that the spirit can dwell and yet it is so easy for pornography to sneak its way into the home. Satan is very cunning and he sneaks images into our homes so easily and he has made pornography such a common casual topic that it becomes a joke and the seriousness is lost.. How many marriages have ended because of this filth that has become so common place in our society? We have a great adversary working against us and we need to do all we can to include Christ in our marriage. We have to find a way to return to our Father in Heaven and take our families with us. Despite the opposition we face we have to continue to keep our covenants and when mistakes are made we have to repent and keep going. 

Traditional Marriage

"...Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." -The Family: A proclamation to the World1

Link to the Proclamation: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&cid=PA0414-02

Marriage is between a man and a woman, it is the oldest institution and was started by our first parents Adam and Eve. Eve was created to be a helpmeet to Adam and together they created a family and grew together. In today's world we are being bombarded from every way that marriage, in the terms that we know, is outdated and has been redefined to include everyone, and anyone can get married. While it can be very easy to brush it off and say that marriage is only a civil right, as members of the church we have to be proactive in standing up for our beliefs.

In the Divine Institution of Marriage it states2 "Throughout the ages, governments of all types have recognized marriage as essential in preserving social stability and perpetuating life". Marriage is not only about love it is about stability in our communities and giving the children of our communities the best chance possible for a healthy life. Marriage bonds husbands and wives and more importantly parents to children. Children deserve to be born into a home with a mother and a father, to be reared by equal and opposite forces that work together to provide the best environment for a child. 

As supporters of traditional marriage we have been branded as bigot's and now we have the responsibility of the burden of proof to show that traditional marriage it the right way, even though it has been the builder of societies since the beginning of humans. 

There is a great stress to the American public to accept same sex marriage.The article "The overhauling of Straight America"3  shows the exactly how we have been desensitized to this change.  It was jarring to read how carefully the plan took place to normalize same sex marriage in the US. It started small seemingly unnoticeable; first by talking about same-sex attraction very openly, in order for something to be accepted the taboo has to be lifted and the previously strange is now seemingly normal. It doesn't stop there the once taboo subjects are to become the victims and we their protectors. Then we attack the victimizers because everyone loves a villain. Next we see a surge in media coverage so that everyone with a TV or computer in their home is bombarded. Last but not least raise money and encourage donations, because you can buy anything in the world with money, including power. 

No matter how difficult, or how few in numbers we may be we have to stand up for what we believe in. One very difficult thing about standing up for what you believe in is seeming hateful to an entire group of people. We have to treat those we disagree with love and compassion and we need to treat everyone as Christ would. When Christ was a brought a woman who had sinned he asked that those who are without sin cast the first stone. Christ then commanded her to go and sin no more; he did not justify the sin and yet he was kind and compassionate to the sinner. We need to follow his example and love those around us even those we don't agree with. 

1. https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&cid=PA0414-02

2. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

3. http://library.gayhomeland.org/0018/EN/EN_Overhauling_Straight.htm