The Four Horsemen

Marriage is the best relationship you will ever have with another human being but it is tough! When two very different people are together conflict is sure to arise and it doesn't matter that there is conflict but what matters is how you react to it. 

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D, he talks about how to keep a marriage alive. Gottman states that he can determine whether or not a marriage will fail within 5 minutes of watching and listening to their interactions with a 91% accuracy. What makes a marriage work according to Gottman, 

"Happily Married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which we all have) from overwhelming their positive ones."

How can we determine whether or not our marriage will fail? The keys to whether or not a couple will break up are in the way they argue. Gottman points out 4 negative habits that could, if we allow them, take over; he calls them the Four Horseman of the apocalypse. 

Horseman 1: Criticism. We will always have complaints about our partner, that is a given but when criticism is when it is taken one step further.

Complaint: The garbage is full. Why didn't you take it out?

Criticism: Why can't you do something so simple like taking out the garbage? I ask you to do this daily and you still don't do it!

Criticism takes a complaint about a specific behavior  to negative words about your partner's character. It is a lot harder to feel good about yourself when your partner doesn't see the good in you.

Horseman 2: Contempt. Contempt is the nasty oozing sore of negativity. It is all of the hurt of criticism with sneering teeth to add insult to injury.

Spouse 1: I would appreciate if you could actually make it home on time for dinner instead of staying at work.

Spouse 2: What are you going to do about it? Maybe you should take more responsibility in the home and have something good for me to come home to.

Contempt is brought on by "long simmering" negative thoughts. Contempt is fueled by disgust and flows out of our mouths like hot tar, destroying everything it touches. 

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. After having such negative words thrown in your direction it is a natural reaction to defend yourself. What really happens after this though is not the desired intention. Normally the spouse attacking doesn't apologize and it creates a way to blame your partner for something in the name of defending yourself. 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. The final horseman (my personal horseman of choice) the silent one. After all of the criticism it it makes sense that one would tune out.  The quieter one is the louder the other yells eventually the silent one stands up and leaves. When you walk out of a room during a disagreement you are avoiding a fight but you are also avoiding your marriage which can quickly lead to disaster.

The horsemen won't always arrive in order and sometimes they can sneak their way in. The main point Gottman wants to get across is to be emotionally intelligent in your marriage. Don't let the negative override the positive because the more negativity that takes over the harder it is to overcome.